Are You Known by Your Love?

EXPOSE | How should we be known?

“By this all people will know that you are my disciples, if you have love for one another.” – John 13:35

EXPLORE | The way of love

I am really uncomfortable being asked a question like this, so I thought I would just ask you instead.

Are you loving enough, or in a way, that it is even noticeable? Or, at best, is it at a level and consistency that it is what people think of first when they think of you? Not just your friends and family, but total strangers?

That is what John 13:35 is essentially saying. We will be known–as a disciple of Jesus–by our love.

If followers of Jesus are known by their love, what does it say about who/what we are following if we are known by any other quality? For instance, what does it mean if we are just known by our.. intelligence… or attractiveness… or what we possess?

Probably what is most potent about the distinction of a disciple of Jesus, and why Jesus identifies this quality as separating his followers from those that follow everything else, is because love isn’t about us. We will be known by what we are to others. And, as we should strive to understand more fully every day, Jesus is the ‘love standard.’

If we loved as Jesus loved, it would most certainly be the first thing that came to mind when people thought of us. Consider the definition of love found in 1 Corinthians 13:4-8a in light of Jesus being the very definition of love. At all times, on all occasions, Jesus’ love:

is patient
is kind
does not envy
does not boast
is not arrogant
is not rude
does not insist in His own way
is not irritable
is not resentful
does not rejoice in wrongdoing
rejoices in the truth
bears all things
hopes all things
endures all things
never, ever, smever, dever, ends

Who wouldn’t want Jesus as a friend?

On some days, at some times, I may reflect some of these qualities. However, it isn’t that we should compare ourselves, but that we should recognize the contrast and allow God to “transform us into the image of His Son.” By God’s grace and strength, it is where we are headed.

“But God made us for more. He made us in his own image, the image of a triune God who exists in communal love. Therefore, friendship is not a luxury; it’s a relational necessity. We glorify God by enjoying him and reflecting his relational love with one another.”
Drew Hunter, teaching pastor at Zionsville Fellowship in Zionsville, Indiana

While we are inherently good at loving ourselves, we just can’t seem to apply those same standards to others, at least as deeply or consistently as we should. Perhaps one reason is that we find it too easy to see the sins of others, causing us to hate the sinner, rather than the sin.

“For a long time I used to think this a silly, straw-splitting distinction: how could you hate what a man did and not hate the man? But years later it occurred to me that there was one man to whom I had been doing this all my life – namely myself. However much I might dislike my own cowardice or conceit or greed, I went on loving myself. There had never been the slightest difficulty about it.”
C.S. Lewis, Mere Christianity

If we want people to benefit from wisdom, it must flow out of love. Love breaks down barriers and paves the way for the truth to be heard. Imagine how much more likely people would be to receive what we have to say if we lead with love.

How do we take our level of self-love and apply it to others?

EXECUTE | How to lead with love

When you consider Scriptures like 1 Corinthians 13, or Matthew 22:37-40, which prioritizes loving God and others, not to mention the life of Jesus, it becomes very obvious to see that love comes first. Consider how our conversations and relationships would look different if we were to lead with love. Here are a few factors to help establish a foundation of love.

New Testament love

Love isn’t just found in 1 Corinthians 13. “Brotherly love” (phileo) is prevelent throughout the New Testament. The Greek word ‘phileo’ denotes a relationship consisting of a strong connection of enjoyment and appreciation. I came across a study on brotherly love from Rev. David Pratte, where he not only takes into consideration what 1 Corinthians 13 presents, but provides a broader roadmap from the New Testament of actions that help us assess where we’re at in demonstrating our love for one another. Additional characteristics of leading with love:

Brothers do not speak harmfully and unlovingly of one another
Brothers seek to avoid causing other brothers to stumble
Brothers should strengthen and encourage one another to serve God faithfully
Brothers must discuss their differences

When we consider loving others in light of the whole of the New Testament, we can see the care that must be taken to truly love one another.

Steady love

Depending on our emotions to compel us to love will ultimately undermine our consistency and commitment to loving others. In fact, keeping our minds on things above should be the footing on which we stand when “steadying” our love for others.

Christian love demands self-control, discipline, and consistency. Feelings are deceitful (Jeremiah 17:9). It is not the basis of brotherly love, it is the Word of God.
Airrez, How Does A Christian Show True Brotherly Love

Proverbs 17:17 reminds us that “a friend loves at all times.” Our love should not be limited by time, location, or, the recipient.

Practical tips for men

Drew Hunter offers five ways to cultivate a friendship in his article Why is Friendship Hard for Men. Two points that make for good, practical first steps, for men, in particular, are:

Deeper conversations – he admonishes us to “drop each conversation one notch deeper.” Two ways he suggests we do that are to ask thoughtful questions, regarding “what you want to learn” about your friend. And secondly, lean into having deeper conversations by simply talking about what each of you are reading.
Provide an invitation – Hunter recommends we “invite friends into what you’re already doing.” Whatever that may be, watching or going to a sporting event, exercising, or grabbing coffee or dinner.

For some motivation to take these practical steps, here is a quote from a WWII POW in an article on The Art of Manliness titled ‘Greater love hath no man than this’:

“We were seeing for ourselves the sharp contrast between the forces that made for life, and those that made for death.
Selfishness, hatred, envy, jealousy, greed, self-indulgence, laziness, and pride were all anti-life.
Love, heroism, self-sacrifice, sympathy, mercy, integrity, and creative faith, on the other hand, were the essence of life, turning mere existence into living in its truest sense.
These were the gifts of God to men.”
Ernest Gordon, commander in a Scottish infantry battalion, and prisoner of the Imperial Japanese Army in Thailand during WWII

What to guard against

As is the case with too many areas of our lives, we can be our own worst enemy. Especially when it comes to loving others; our ‘self-love’ can keep us from loving others more than ourselves.

If we are going to persevere this brotherly love amid adversity we need to know what the problem is. What impedes brotherly love? What derails it? What suffocates it? In short: selfishness.
Erik Raymond, senior pastor at Redeemer Fellowship Church in Metro Boston

There is both an urgency and a sensitivity to our guarding our hearts against selfishness. If you were on a deserted island, you’d have a little more time to deal with it, but addressing selfishness becomes quite urgent when you consider how quickly it can impact everyone we come in contact with. Talk about spreading disease. Also, what we say or don’t say, what we do or don’t do requires that we are vigilant in thinking before we speak or act. Being sensitive to how our actions effects others demonstrates our empathy toward others.

Jon Bloom, in his article, Lord, Increase my Capacity to Love, points us to the bottom line. That is, where our love for others should be rooted. The basis for loving others starts with Matthew 22:37, which says, “You shall love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind.” Jesus calls this the “great and first commandment.” He then adds the second, which is to love others as we love ourselves.

Bloom provides a short, but daring prayer that I’ll end with, which should serve as a starting point for loving others:

Whatever it takes, Lord, increase my capacity to love until I love you with all my heart, soul, strength, and mind, and love my neighbor as I love myself.
Jon Bloom, teacher and cofounder of Desiring God

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