EXPOSE | Kindness can’t be missed
“Kindness is the language which the deaf can hear and the blind can see.” – Mark Twain
EXPLORE | Nice is the sizzle. Kind is the steak.
Kindness penetrates.
Similar to the way water can find its way into the most hidden, protected places. However, when it comes to kindness, it is not so much that it breaches as it is being absorbed.
Kindness is wanted. Needed. Life-giving.
Nice on the other hand, is temporary and superficial.
Nice is the sizzle. Kindness is the steak.
Why do we settle for the sizzle? It probably is in large part due to the training we’ve received. What parent, having reached the limits of their patience, hasn’t yell-asked “Why can’t you just be ‘nice’?!” “Play nice.” “Say something nice.” “That wasn’t very nice.”
The Bible doesn’t teach, call, or direct us to be nice. We’re to love one another, be kind to one another–treat others as we would like to be treated.
“Be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, as God in Christ forgave you.”
Ephesians 4:32
In fact, there was even a time when you wouldn’t have wanted to be called nice. Monsignor Charles Pope provides this historical look at ‘being nice’:
“...the adjective “nice” was once a derogatory word used to describe a person as something of a fool. The word “nice” comes from the Latin nescius, meaning “ignorant, unaware” (ne (not) + scire (know)). The Old French word “nice” (12thcentury) also came from this Latin root and meant “careless, clumsy, weak, simple, foolish, or stupid.””
Monsignor Charles Pope
It wasn’t until the 14th century that the word took on the simpler meaning of being “fussy.” Then, in the 15th century, Pope describes it taking a turn toward “dainty, delicate” and by the 19th century it had fully transformed into its current meaning of being “kind and thoughtful.”
There are no issues with our being polite, courteous, and pleasant to others. Except, by starting off in that direction, we tend to slip into avoiding confrontation (totally me) and seeking to please others (me again) which can lead to our being superficial and insincere.
On the other hand, being kind means showing compassion, empathy, and understanding toward others. Being kind means being genuinely concerned about the welfare of others and seeking to help and support them whenever possible. While being nice seems like a nice thing, being kind is far more meaningful and potent.
If you want to ‘bottom line it’, probably the most important reason why being kind is more important than being nice is that kindness is an essential component of the Christian faith. In the Bible, we are commanded to love one another and to show kindness to all people. Indeed, Jesus himself taught us to love our enemies and to do good to those who persecute us.
Kindness is what comes of us when life gives us a squeeze. It is the fruit of the Spirit. Galatians 5:22-23 lays out the characteristics that should be seen in us and kindness is among them.
“But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, self-control; against such things there is no law.”
Galatians 5:22-23 (emphasis added)
Forrest Gump could have just sent Lieutenant Dan a card. That would have been ‘nice’.
If you recall from the movie, Forrest visits Lieutenant Dan at his house and finds a depressed and angry man. Forrest offers to help Lieutenant Dan, but refuses, telling Forrest that he’s angry at God and doesn’t want his help.
Despite Lieutenant Dan’s resistance, Forrest continues to be persistently kind. He helps his friend clean up his house and takes him on a fishing trip, and over time, Lieutenant Dan begins to soften and become more open to Forrest’s kindness. He starts to see Forrest as a true friend and supporter and eventually joins him in the shrimping business.
Forrest didn’t send a card. He went to his friend and persisted in showing kindness and support, which as we know from the movie, helped Lieutenant Dan to heal and find purpose in his life. I don’t think a card would have done that.
Early in our boys’ life, I presented them with what would be our family motto. It is found in Micah 6:8.
“He has told you, O man, what is good; and what does the Lord require of you but to do justice, and to love kindness, and to walk humbly with your God?”
Micah 6:8
Kindness is a way of life. I would tell the boys that we do justice, love kindness, and walk humbly.
What God calls us to will most likely be difficult, but it is always best.
“Kindness is the golden chain by which society is bound together.”
C.S. Lewis
Kindness bursts through nice to a world needing to see something real. It is an unmistakenly powerful witness to the world. Being kind is truly loving others.
EXECUTE | Be kind, not nice
Being nice is saying ‘My thoughts are with you’. It’s cosmetic. A gesture that is of no real benefit—to others. You might feel better, but it really doesn’t do anything for anyone else.
Kindness is the love of Christ demonstrated in a tangible way that has the intended purpose of drawing people to Christ. Nice doesn’t do any ‘wooing’.
But like the other fruit of the Spirit, kindness doesn’t just happen. To see the fruit of the Spirit produced in our lives is a combination of trusting God to produce the fruit while being in a position to put it on display. Here are several opportunities that will encourage the transformation from being nice to being kind:
Put yourself in a position to demonstrate genuine concern for others
Being kind involves showing genuine concern for others, and, will typically mean going out of your way to help them. This can include asking how someone is doing and really listening to their response, offering to help with a task, or simply being there for someone when they need support. This is a hard thing for me to say because I need to hear this: but this means not sending the card, but instead, calling or going to see the person.
Put yourself in a position to practice empathy
Empathy is the ability to understand and share the feelings of another person. So, don’t first think of how you would feel or what you would do in the situation your friend is facing, but strive to understand it from their perspective. Having that understanding will allow you to see the need and best respond the way they need you to.
Put yourself in a position to be proactive in your kindness
Rather than waiting for someone to ask for help or support, look for ways to be helpful or offer encouragement without being prompted. This is where the card can actually be helpful. Send an encouraging note, or let them know you’re available to provide support. And this especially means choosing kindness in difficult situations–like when we’ve been offended. Let kindness be your response rather than anger.
Put yourself in a position to practice self-compassion
Are you kind to yourself? This means treating yourself with the same kindness and compassion that Jesus calls us to show others. This can include giving yourself permission to make mistakes and recognizing your own worth and value as a person. Practicing self-compassion puts us in a better place to extend that same kindness and compassion to others.
Like the image above… being nice would have told the child to tie his shoe. Being kind is stopping the game, and tying his shoe for him.
When we put ourselves in the right position for God to work through us, we’ll blow through being nice to being kind.
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Further reading:
Why you should be kind instead of nice
The not-so-nice origins and meanings of the word ‘nice’
Photo by Adrià Crehuet Cano on Unsplash